Is BDSM Right for You? The Ultimate Checklist

Curious about kink? Here’s your honest, judgment-free guide to figuring out if BDSM is your thing.

☕ 15 min read | Research-backed | Beginner-friendly

So you’ve been curious about BDSM. Maybe you’ve had fantasies about being tied up, or taking control, or exploring something that feels a little… forbidden. Maybe you watched a movie that sparked something, or you stumbled across an article that made you think, “Wait, is that what I’ve been wanting?”

Here’s the truth: You’re not alone, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.

BDSM isn’t just about whips and chains (though those can be fun!). It’s about trust, communication, and exploring what truly turns you on. Whether you’re a total beginner or just questioning if this lifestyle fits you, this checklist will help you figure it out.

Fun fact: Studies suggest that between 36-47% of adults have fantasized about BDSM activities at least once. That’s nearly half the population! Yet most people never talk about it because they’re worried it makes them “weird.” Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.

1. Are You Open to Exploring Power Dynamics?

Let’s get real: BDSM is fundamentally about power exchange. One person takes control (the Dominant), and the other gives it up (the submissive). But here’s what most people don’t understand—this isn’t about abuse or manipulation. It’s a consensual dance where both people have equal say in what happens.

Think of it like this: In regular life, power dynamics exist everywhere—in your job, your family, even when you’re deciding what to order at a restaurant. BDSM just makes those dynamics intentional and explicit. Instead of unconsciously falling into roles, you’re actively choosing them, discussing them, and enjoying them.

Here’s something fascinating: Research from Northern Illinois University found that people who engage in BDSM often report feeling more in control of their lives overall. Submissives, in particular, described feeling liberated by having a space where they could let go of the constant pressure to be “in charge” of everything. One participant said, “At work, I make decisions that affect hundreds of people. When I submit, I get to turn that off. It’s the only time I truly relax.”

🤔 Ask Yourself:

Does the idea of giving up control sound freeing or terrifying? (Both reactions are valid, by the way.)
Could you handle the responsibility of controlling someone else’s pleasure—and their safety?
Do you like structure in your relationships, or do you prefer to go with the flow?
Have you ever fantasized about being dominated or dominating someone?
When you watch movies or read books, do you find yourself drawn to characters with strong power dynamics?

📚 The Science Says:

Research by Sagarin et al. (2013) found that people who practice BDSM often have lower anxiety levels and higher relationship satisfaction than those who don’t. The study measured cortisol levels (your body’s stress hormone) before and after scenes and found significant decreases afterward. Power exchange, when done right, actually builds trust and intimacy.

Even more interesting? A 2014 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that BDSM practitioners scored higher on measures of extraversion, openness to new experiences, conscientiousness, and subjective well-being. They also scored lower on neuroticism and rejection sensitivity. Translation: People who do BDSM tend to be psychologically healthier, not more damaged, than the general population.

💡 Try This:

Start Small: Before diving into full scenes, experiment with tiny power exchanges. Have your partner choose your outfit for date night. Or you pick the restaurant and the movie without asking their opinion. Notice how it feels to give up or take control in low-stakes situations. Does it feel sexy? Uncomfortable? Exciting? All of the above?

Journal It: Write out a fantasy scenario where power is exchanged. Be specific! Who’s in charge? What are they doing? Where are you? Then read it back and notice what parts excite you versus what makes you uncomfortable. This is incredibly valuable information about your desires.

The “Yes, and…” Exercise: Sit down with your partner and take turns saying “I’m in charge of…” and “You’re in charge of…” Start with non-sexual things. “I’m in charge of choosing what we watch tonight.” “You’re in charge of planning our next vacation.” Notice what it feels like to claim authority versus give it away.

“Power dynamics in BDSM aren’t about one person winning and another losing. They’re about collaboration, trust, and creating something beautiful together. The submissive holds just as much power as the Dominant—they’re the one who grants it in the first place.”

— Meg-John Barker, Rewriting the Rules

2. How Do You Feel About Pain or Sensory Play?

Here’s a common misconception: BDSM isn’t all about pain. In fact, many people in the kink community never touch impact play at all. That said, exploring sensation—from feather-light touches to spanking—is a huge part of what makes BDSM exciting.

And here’s something wild: pain can actually feel good. Not in a “grin and bear it” way, but in a genuine, pleasurable, endorphin-rush kind of way. Science backs this up, and once you understand why, the whole concept becomes a lot less scary.

Here’s what blew my mind when I first learned about this: Your brain doesn’t actually distinguish much between intense pleasure and intense pain. Both light up the same neural pathways. The difference is all in the context—how you interpret what’s happening. When you stub your toe on a table, your brain says “DANGER!” and pain feels awful. When someone you trust spanks you during sex, your brain says “THIS IS HOT” and suddenly pain becomes pleasure.

🧠 What Happens in Your Brain:

When you experience consensual pain in a safe context, your body releases endorphins—the same “feel-good” chemicals you get from exercise or chocolate. These natural painkillers create euphoria and can even make you feel closer to your partner. Your brain also releases oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”), dopamine (the “reward” chemical), and adrenaline (which makes everything feel more intense).

A 2013 study found that after BDSM scenes involving pain, participants had lower stress hormones and felt more bonded to their partners. Pain literally brought them closer together. One participant described it as “the most connected I’ve ever felt to another human being.”

Fun fact: The pain threshold varies wildly from person to person and even day to day. What feels like a 3/10 on Tuesday might feel like a 7/10 on Friday if you’re stressed or tired. This is why constant communication during scenes is so crucial.

🤔 Ask Yourself:

Have you ever enjoyed a “good hurt”—like a deep tissue massage, the burn during exercise, or even the sting of hot sauce?
Do you get turned on by the idea of spanking, biting, scratching, or hair-pulling?
What about sensory deprivation? Does the idea of a blindfold make you nervous or excited?
Have you ever used ice cubes, hot wax, or temperature play during sex?
Are you more curious about giving or receiving these sensations—or both?
When you think about intensity, does your body say “yes please” or “no thanks”?

The Sensation Spectrum:

Gentle Touch → Pressure & Texture → Temperature Play → Impact & Intensity → Edge Play

You can explore anywhere on this spectrum. There’s no “right” level! Some people stay at gentle touch forever. Others gradually work up to more intense sensations. Both are completely valid.

💡 Try This Tonight:

The Ice Cube Test: Grab an ice cube from your freezer. Run it along your inner arm, slowly. Notice the intensity, the way your skin responds, how long you can handle it before it becomes too much. This is sensation play at its simplest—and it costs nothing. Try it on different body parts. The neck? The nipples? The inner thigh? Each area will feel completely different.

DIY Sensation Kit: Gather household items with different textures: a soft makeup brush, a wooden spoon, a silk scarf, a rough kitchen sponge, a piece of ice, a warm washcloth. Close your eyes and have your partner touch different parts of your body with each item. What feels good? What’s overwhelming? What makes you want more?

The Spanking Experiment: If you’re curious about impact play, start with yourself. Seriously! Spank your own thigh with increasing intensity. Notice when it shifts from “that’s nothing” to “ooh, I feel that” to “okay, that’s enough.” This gives you valuable information about your pain threshold without any pressure from a partner.

Sensory Deprivation 101: Try a simple blindfold during sex. Notice how it heightens your other senses. Sounds become clearer. Touch becomes more intense. You become hyper-aware of your partner’s movements. For many people, this is their gateway into BDSM.

⚠️ Safety First:

Never impact these areas: spine, kidneys, neck, joints, or head. Stick to fleshy areas like butt, thighs, and upper back/shoulders.
Start light, build slowly: You can always add more intensity. You can’t take back going too hard too fast. Bruises fade, but broken trust is harder to repair.
Check in constantly: “How does this feel?” should be your favorite question. Use a 1-10 scale if words are hard.
Watch for numbness or tingling: This can indicate nerve issues. Stop immediately if this happens.
Keep first aid nearby: Ice packs, arnica gel for bruises, and bandages just in case.
Never do impact play when drunk or high: Your judgment and pain tolerance are both compromised.

Interesting fact: Different implements create completely different sensations. A bare hand creates a stinging warmth. A leather paddle creates a deep, thuddy sensation. A flogger can range from gentle and massage-like to intense and sharp, depending on the material. Many people have strong preferences, so experimentation is key.

“Consensual pain play releases endorphins and creates feelings of euphoria and bonding. But here’s the critical part: the key word is consensual. The same act that creates intimacy in a consensual context creates trauma in a non-consensual one. Context is everything.”

— Sagarin et al., Archives of Sexual Behavior (2013)

3. Do You Value Communication and Consent?

If BDSM had a motto, it would be: “Talk about it. Then talk about it again. Then talk about it some more. Then check in during. Then debrief after. Then talk about it again next week.”

Seriously—BDSM requires more communication than any other sexual practice. You’ll negotiate before scenes, check in during them, and debrief afterward. You’ll discuss boundaries, desires, fears, and fantasies in explicit detail. If that sounds exhausting, BDSM might not be your thing. If it sounds hot? Welcome home.

Here’s something that might surprise you: The BDSM community has better consent practices than mainstream dating culture. While vanilla culture often operates on assumptions and “reading the room,” BDSM culture demands explicit verbal agreements. You can’t just “go with the flow” when someone’s tied up and blindfolded. You have to talk about everything.

93% of BDSM practitioners say they communicate better about sex than they did before exploring kink.
— Journal of Sexual Medicine

Think about that. 93%. That’s not a coincidence. When you have to talk about sex in explicit detail, you get really good at it. And those skills transfer everywhere—to your non-kinky sex life, to your relationships, even to difficult conversations at work.

🤔 Ask Yourself:

Can you talk about sex without cringing or using code words like “doing it” or “you know…”?
Are you comfortable saying “no” even when someone really wants you to say “yes”?
Can you hear “no” without taking it personally or feeling rejected?
Are you willing to discuss your deepest fantasies, even the “weird” ones that you’ve never told anyone?
Can you give and receive feedback without getting defensive?
Do you feel comfortable asking for exactly what you want in bed?
Can you tell the difference between “I’m not into that” and “I don’t want to do that with you”?

Consent 101: The Non-Negotiables

1. Consent is Ongoing
It’s not a one-time conversation. You agreed to be tied up last week? Cool. That doesn’t mean you automatically consent today. Every encounter starts from zero. Every activity needs fresh agreement. This isn’t annoying—it’s hot. There’s something incredibly sexy about someone asking “Can I…?” and waiting for your enthusiastic yes.

2. Consent is Specific
Saying yes to spanking doesn’t mean yes to choking. Saying yes to rope bondage doesn’t mean yes to metal handcuffs. Every activity needs its own explicit agreement. This is why BDSM practitioners use detailed checklists and spend hours discussing exactly what they want to do. It sounds clinical, but it’s actually the opposite—it means you never have to guess what your partner wants.

3. Consent is Enthusiastic
“I guess so” or “fine” isn’t consent. Neither is silence. You want a “hell yes!” from everyone involved. If someone seems hesitant, you pause and check in. The standard isn’t “they didn’t say no”—it’s “they enthusiastically said YES.” This is why BDSM has far lower rates of sexual assault than mainstream dating—the bar for consent is much, much higher.

4. Consent is Revocable
Anyone can say “stop” at any time for any reason. No explanations needed, no guilt trips allowed. You can consent to something and then change your mind halfway through. You can consent to something last week and not consent to it today. Your body, your rules, always.

5. Consent Requires Capacity
You can’t consent when you’re drunk, high, asleep, or otherwise impaired. Period. This is non-negotiable. Some couples negotiate “consensual non-consent” (CNC) scenarios, but those require extensive prior negotiation when everyone is sober and clearheaded.

🚦 Safewords: Your Emergency Brake

Think of safewords as the emergency brake in your car. You hope you never need it, but you’d never drive without one. Here’s the thing most people don’t realize: using a safeword isn’t a failure. It’s actually a sign that your dynamic is working exactly as it should.

The most common safeword system is the traffic light:

RED = STOP
Everything stops immediately. Scene’s over. Time for aftercare. No questions asked, no explanations required. When someone says red, you stop, remove any restraints, and start taking care of them.

YELLOW = SLOW DOWN
Something’s not quite right. Maybe the intensity is building too fast. Maybe a position is getting uncomfortable. Maybe you need a sip of water or a quick stretch. Check in, adjust, ease up on intensity, or just pause for a moment.

GREEN = ALL GOOD
This is amazing, keep going, more please! Some Dominants ask “what’s your color?” during a scene to check in without breaking the mood.

Pro tip: Practice using your safewords in non-sexual situations first. Say “red” when you’re tickle-fighting. Say “yellow” when someone’s hug is too tight. Get comfortable with the words so they come naturally when you need them.

Interesting fact: Some people need non-verbal safewords because they’re gagged or can’t speak during a scene. Common options include: dropping a held object (like a ball or scarf), snapping fingers repeatedly, or using hand signals. Always establish these BEFORE you start playing.

“Consent isn’t a one-time agreement—it’s a continuous conversation. Every scene, every time, you start from scratch. This isn’t because you don’t trust each other. It’s because you respect each other enough to never make assumptions about what someone wants.”

— Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy, The New Topping Book

4. Are You Comfortable with Emotional Intensity?

BDSM isn’t just physically intense—it can be emotionally overwhelming. You might cry during a scene (happy tears, sad tears, release tears, or “I don’t even know why I’m crying” tears). You might feel vulnerable in ways you never have before. You might experience a rush of emotions you can’t name.

This is normal. This is good. But it can be a lot.

Here’s what nobody tells you: BDSM can be therapeutic. Not in a “replace actual therapy” way, but in a “holy shit, I just released emotions I’ve been holding for years” way. Many people describe intense scenes as cathartic—like finally letting out a scream you’ve been holding in forever.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of BDSM:

😌 Freedom — Letting go of control can feel like the deepest exhale you’ve ever taken
😭 Catharsis — Releasing emotions you didn’t even know you were holding
🥺 Vulnerability — Being completely open with another person, walls down, masks off
😈 Power — Feeling strong, confident, capable, alive
🥰 Connection — Bonding deeper than you thought possible with another human
😵 Overwhelm — Sometimes it’s just A LOT and that’s okay
😌 Peace — A calm that comes after the storm, like your brain just got reset

⚠️ Let’s Talk About “Drop”

Subdrop (for submissives) and Topdrop (for Dominants) are real phenomena that nobody warns you about until it’s too late. After an intense scene, your brain chemistry changes. Those endorphins crash. The oxytocin wears off. The adrenaline fades. And suddenly you feel… off.

You might feel:

Sad or anxious for no clear reason (like a hangover but emotional)
Physically exhausted, achy, or sore (because intense scenes are physically demanding)
Emotionally fragile or needy (wanting reassurance that everything’s okay)
Disconnected from your partner (even though you felt so close during the scene)
Guilty or ashamed about what you did (even though it was consensual and fun)
Weepy or sensitive to criticism
Unusually hungry or craving comfort food

This usually hits 24-48 hours after a scene. It’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean something went wrong. Your brain is just recalibrating after an intense neurochemical experience. It’s like the emotional version of muscle soreness after a hard workout.

Fun fact: Dominants can experience drop too! Topdrop happens because being in control requires intense focus and emotional energy. After a scene, Doms might feel guilty about “hurting” their partner (even though it was consensual), anxious that they went too far, or just emotionally drained.

💕 Enter: Aftercare

Aftercare is the secret sauce that makes BDSM safe and sustainable. It’s what happens after a scene to help everyone process and recover. Think of it like the cool-down after exercise—you wouldn’t finish a marathon and immediately sit on the couch. You’d stretch, hydrate, and take care of your body.

Aftercare does the same thing for your emotions and your relationship.

What Aftercare Might Look Like:

Physical: Cuddling, blankets, water, snacks (chocolate is popular!), gentle touch, removing any marks or restraints carefully, helping each other get dressed
Emotional: Talking about what happened, reassurance (“you were amazing”), praise (“you took that so well”), processing any unexpected feelings that came up
Practical: Cleaning up the space, tending to any marks or bruises, putting away toys, changing the sheets if needed
Continued: Check-in texts the next day (“how are you feeling?”), processing conversations over the next few days, adjusting plans for next time based on what you learned

Pro tip: Discuss aftercare needs BEFORE you play, not after. When you’re in drop, it’s hard to articulate what you need. Plan ahead: “I’ll need 30 minutes of cuddling, some water, and for you to tell me I did a good job.” Having a plan takes the guesswork out of it.

The Science: Aftercare isn’t just “nice to have”—it’s neurologically important. Research by Pitagora (2016) shows that proper aftercare helps regulate the emotional comedown after intense experiences, reducing the risk of negative psychological effects and strengthening relationship bonds. Aftercare literally helps your brain process what just happened and integrate the experience in a healthy way.

Interesting fact: Some people need “aftercare for aftercare.” If a scene brought up unexpected emotions, you might need to revisit those feelings days or even weeks later. This is completely normal. Good BDSM partners check in repeatedly, not just immediately after a scene.

“Aftercare is where the magic really happens. The scene is intense and exciting, but aftercare is where you build trust. It’s where you prove to each other that this wasn’t just about getting off—it was about taking care of each other.”

— Pitagora (2016), Clinical Work with BDSM Clients

Final Thoughts

BDSM isn’t for everyone—and that’s perfectly fine. But if you’ve read this far and you’re still curious, that probably means something.

Remember: there’s no “right way” to do BDSM. You don’t have to check every box on this list. You don’t have to dive into the deep end immediately. You can explore at your own pace, stick to what feels good, and change your mind at any time.

The beautiful thing about BDSM? It’s infinitely customizable. Take what works, leave what doesn’t, and create something that’s uniquely yours.

Remember: You’re not weird. You’re not broken. You’re curious, brave, and exploring a part of human sexuality that’s been around forever. Welcome to the journey.